april 12, 2015 - sidbranca / thisbedisaship

A magazine article tells me that I make myself so busy
in order to avoid my feelings

I tell the magazine I’m not sure how she thinks it’s possible
for me to avoid the thing that makes up my very existence

but she is right that I should not buy any more office supplies
until I’ve used up the ones I have.

I realize that I am behind in a lot of things
and that I’m a little freaked out

and that a graduation ceremony is perhaps more  
a ritual of fear than it is of pride

but despite the wires that run in my blood
despite the great oozing weight that smothers my heart

despite the white hot rage in my fingernails
and the fear and the fear and the fear

(daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy
do not let me be so trite as to become you

when I manage to unclench my fists
when the nights are warm and my lips are wet

I surprise myself by finding
a glowing bulb of joy inside my chest

and that it’s mine
and that I think I might be happy.